I was hoping, that by the end of September homeschooling would be easier, more fun (for both student and teacher) and rewarding. Well, the end of September is here and that is not the case. At least 14 times yesterday I was ready to hang up my homeschool hat and throw my oldest into the nearest public school! Seriously! Then, by lunch time I had convinced myself that I was being dramatic and we were just having a bad day. It wasn't until after all the kids had been in bed for a few hours that I finally believed, again, that our homeschool/private school situation is still the best.
Can we say TOUGH DAY?! But we press on.
I don't know why I feel the need to tell everyone how hard this is. It is certainly not because I want everyone to think that I am doing something SO hard and I should be applauded for my effort. NO WAY! I am a little embarrassed at how things are going in our house and I just hope Lyla doesn't have to repeat Kindergarten because she hasn't learned a thing! I don't want people to feel pity, or give me excuses because of our "situation" (situation meaning Lyla still learning English, and how to be in a family, and what we expect of her) I don't believe in excuses. This is our life, this is what we were given. Maybe I'm hoping that I'm not the only one, misery loves company, they say. Which is actually a terrible thing, and why would I want to find another miserable person to wallow with? I digress. I guess I try to be transparent, and want people to know behind my smiling face and the sweet giggles of my children are struggles.
Before I had kids I don't remember anyone ever telling me, "Your kids will make you feel like a failure. You will learn things about yourself that you never knew, and it won't be pretty." Nope, don't remember that. So hear me, if you don't have kids, that's what I am saying to you. Now, before you hear that as gloom and doom, there are the positive things like, "You'll never feel more love for a person. You'll never be more proud. The rewards outweigh the struggles." Those are all equally as true, honestly. But feeling like I have failed is now and everyday occurrence, and that I did not expect.
I don't really consider myself a control freak. Sure, there are many things that I think I have control of, and when they go awry I get upset and might throw a fit...or 12. For the most part I can roll with it, try to make the best of situations and move on. But what I have learned about myself, through the eyes of my sweet, ever so honest children, is that I am a control freak when it comes to my expectations of them.
I have high expectations of my kids, and I'm not sure that will really change. I think high expectations are OK, because kids are smarter and more capable than we often give them credit for. What is not OK is my response when they don't meet those expectations. The not-so-pretty part of my world is that I don't offer enough grace. When expectations aren't met, today, when I think they should be met, all my ugly comes out. All of it!
When I have expressed my frustration with my friends I hear them say, "Give yourself some grace. Don't be so hard on yourself. It will get easier." I appreciate these supportive, encouraging friends more than they will ever know. But if they knew the real truth, and saw how things went down in this house they would appropriately say, "Offer grace to your kids. Your Heavenly Father has given you more grace you deserve. Let them see His love and mercy pour out of you."
My Kindergartner is teaching me WAY more than I am teaching her.
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